i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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