3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
