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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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