Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
