Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need moral support for this bender
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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