i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
