He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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