just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
