I think I died a long time ago.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my shit smells like andre
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
