Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
