you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
