My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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