Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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