thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
