Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
