Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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