I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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