Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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