About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
