a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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