After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
did i just pee glitter
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
