the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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