Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
