It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
