Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
