Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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