Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Randomize
