Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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