ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
