we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
