someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
