He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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