Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
