i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
