Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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