I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
