You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
