I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize