At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
