please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
