yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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