We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can't put those talents on a resume
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Randomize
