I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
