u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
