Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize