I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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