so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize