My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
