I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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