I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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