I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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