wakey wakey hands off snakey
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
