McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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