I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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