his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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