it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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